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  1. #11
    mmsmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    DS was 12 and at camp when his grandfather (my father) passed away. We did not tell him until pick up 10 days later. The memorial was a month later. DS knew he wasn’t doing well but he also had dementia and had no quality of life so it was time. DS was really upset when I told him but I was glad he was able to enjoy camp- there was no reason for him to know when it happened.

    If your DC is close w/ grandparent and not too far distance wise I may encourage a visit to say goodbye over the weekend. Otherwise I would wait and let them focus on what they need to do.

  2. #12
    Liziz is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    In general I do agree with everyone suggesting that you might delay news of the grandparent's death, if it happens before finals. But the one caveat to that is -- in this grandparent's situation, is DC still able to call/talk/visit grandparent? I would not feel bad about delaying news of a grandparent passing, but if you know that it's potentially the final days and DC might have the desire to make contact one last time, they deserve that chance. My grandmother got a very aggressive cancer and went from healthy to passing very quickly -- there wasn't time for a final visit -- but I did get the chance to talk to her on the phone the day before she died, and even though I don't know if she was at a point she really knew it was me, I did hear her voice, and know she heard mine, and it was important to me. I would have been devastated to miss that chance.

    That being said, I think Kindra's advice about the young needing to focus on their future is also spot on.
    Lizi

  3. #13
    hbridge is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Thank you all for your responses.

    Our pup died yesterday and DC chose to come home for the weekend. Honestly, this is the worst place to be right now since there is a huge void in the home. However, I also understand being on campus alone while the family is processing loss. They wanted to be with the family at this time.

    I never actually thought about contacting DC's professors or even the Dean. DC will need to do that if they feel they need to. I can help DC do that if they need to, but it never occurred to me to contact anyone but the RA (to support DC in the dorm if I was worried).

    Not telling DC about the passings are NOT an option. There were a few things that happened when I was young that my parents kept from me to "protect me" and I resented it. Instead, I let DC dictate the terms. DC has told us to let them know when they call home. We need to respect that.

    Thank you all so much for your responses. Sometimes life is just too hard.


    Now I just need to try to get DC to refocus on school work. This house is the worst place for them right now. I am also going to encourage them to go back to school first thing tomorrow to refocus. They may have a group project to complete tomorrow, that would actually help get DC back to campus.

    I "think" they can finish up. But I don't really know how much the emotions will get in the ways .

  4. #14
    KpbS's Avatar
    KpbS is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Yes, encourage her to go back to campus and have a good plan for finishing her studying for finals.

    Hugs
    K

  5. #15
    Kindra178 is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default Deaths in the family and college student

    Thank you for the update. Hopefully they will return back to college and work on the group project.

    Re the protection issue, I think itís different. You arenít keeping them from anything, you are delaying detailed daily updates during an extremely stressful time for them.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

  6. #16
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kindra178 View Post
    Thank you for the update. Hopefully they will return back to college and work on the group project.

    Re the protection issue, I think it’s different. You aren’t keeping them from anything, you are delaying detailed daily updates during an extremely stressful time for them.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains
    Yes to this. My grandfather was sick while I was in college and my parents didn’t tell me until after he died. They explained later that they wanted to protect me from it. I didn’t feel resentment, I respected their decision. It was their parent and they handled it the way they thought best. So, I guess there are a few different ways to look at the situation.
    " I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." Mahatma Gandhi

    "This is the ultimate weakness of violence: It multiplies evil and violence in the universe. It doesn't solve any problems." Martin Luther King, Jr.

  7. #17
    o_mom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kindra178 View Post
    Thank you for the update. Hopefully they will return back to college and work on the group project.

    Re the protection issue, I think itís different. You arenít keeping them from anything, you are delaying detailed daily updates during an extremely stressful time for them.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains
    While I get the sentiment, I think with social media etc. today, it is very hard to keep things under wraps for more than a day or so. I would get it if they were on their last exam, but I would rather they hear it from us rather than random relative posting something or unknowing friend reaching out with condolences. It was certainly easier to do this 30 years ago.

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