WWYD - Managing DD1 and her dad

[mmsmom]

I’m coming back to add bc I just had to pick up my 15 yo DD from her Dad’s yesterday. He is coming unhinged and she can no longer deal with being around him. He has now offered therapy with her but she has set some boundaries and told him he has to get his mental health figured out first. XH’s new wife also left yesterday (4th time she has left that I know about) and DS went to stay with a friend. It is just awful that children have to deal with adults who can not be adults and take care of themselves. I am just trying to be there for DD and support the boundaries she is setting and help her talk through everything. I did have her communicate with him directly about why she was leaving and how she was feeling. I will advocate for her legally but unfortunately she has to deal with him on her own. XH needs to hit a bottom before he will get true help.

[California]

I’m coming back to add bc I just had to pick up my 15 yo DD from her Dad’s yesterday. He is coming unhinged and she can no longer deal with being around him. He has now offered therapy with her but she has set some boundaries and told him he has to get his mental health figured out first. XH’s new wife also left yesterday (4th time she has left that I know about) and DS went to stay with a friend. It is just awful that children have to deal with adults who can not be adults and take care of themselves. I am just trying to be there for DD and support the boundaries she is setting and help her talk through everything. I did have her communicate with him directly about why she was leaving and how she was feeling. I will advocate for her legally but unfortunately she has to deal with him on her own. XH needs to hit a bottom before he will get true help.

I'm so sorry your DD, DS, and you have to deal with this. Completely agree that children shouldn't have to bear the burden of the unhealthy choices made by the adults in their lives. To be clear I understand that addiction and mental illness are not choices- that's not what I'm referring to. The choice comes in not seeking out help, and/or not protecting your kids from the fallout.

[Philly Mom]

I’m coming back to add bc I just had to pick up my 15 yo DD from her Dad’s yesterday. He is coming unhinged and she can no longer deal with being around him. He has now offered therapy with her but she has set some boundaries and told him he has to get his mental health figured out first. XH’s new wife also left yesterday (4th time she has left that I know about) and DS went to stay with a friend. It is just awful that children have to deal with adults who can not be adults and take care of themselves. I am just trying to be there for DD and support the boundaries she is setting and help her talk through everything. I did have her communicate with him directly about why she was leaving and how she was feeling. I will advocate for her legally but unfortunately she has to deal with him on her own. XH needs to hit a bottom before he will get true help.

Thank you for this. I’m sorry for your kids, but you validated that I am doing everything I can to support them. Hopefully with age they will gain the strength to verbally set boundaries and I will help them to the extent I can. Sending strength to your kids and you.


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[StantonHyde]

In my state, (and in the clinic I manage) we only need consent from one parent when custody is 50/50--for medication management appointments. I don't know about therapy. Now I am going to ask. I get that you don't want a parent doing something harmful, but therapy is often court ordered. I know its a PITA, but can you get a court or mediator to say therapy is necessary for your kids? Therapy with dad doesn't work so well if he doesn't participate or do so in good faith. But therapy just for the kids is something i think the legal system would support.