Need to vent about gender stuff

[SnuggleBuggles]

THE TOYS!! I realize because we can get them much cheaper than I was growing up in the 60 & 70’s, but in some ways it was less aggressively gendered. There were some girl toys and boy toys, but there were plenty of neutral toys. Tricycles came in red, not with decals and colors for one gender or other. Bricks & balls came in standard colors. Board games only came in one flavor. I remember looking at a marble run when my kids were young and they came in red/blue or pink/lilac. I’m like, it’s a marble run!

Oof! Yeah, I’m sure the assumptions plus the entitlement they feel to know your business is draining.

A few years ago Target tried to de-gender their toy section a bit (it looks the same to me). I had an acquaintance from high school on Facebook that lost her mind and posted so many articles about what a terrible thing that was and how she was joining others in boycotting Target. I kept her as a FB friends for a long time because she was one of my only glimpses into how she saw the world. Never agreed with anything she said and Covid really pushed her over the edge from where I was. She went and unfriended a huge swath of us from hs in one day. Wish I could remember the straw that broke the camel's back but Isure remember her beef with the toy thing!

[DualvansMommy]

Until I went back to work 5 years ago, I didn’t “realize” how we were so conditioned to the gendered discussion either. As a mom of 2 cis boys (so far anyway) I get all the trope comments of being a boy mom, and even far back to their births and toddler years when I was raging on lack of clothing options for boys to include more color, and how the toys for boys seemed to gear towards “violence” so it all made me look at the world thru different lens.

Then my cousin’s son transitioned to a girl as a teen and im really grateful for her to open our eyes. Not that it’s her job to do so but seeing how she had to navigate it through it all got me firmly on how better off if society use less gendered language. My boss’s boss said before moving to NJ from SC for her job, she wouldn’t dare to mention about her daughter was queer and transitioned to a boy, even though the field of DV is “supposedly” liberal but isn’t really. So, yes unfortunately where you live, one have to be careful at workplace around those kind of new employee conversations and water cooler topics.

I hope you get to enjoy this new sector with your career!


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[georgiegirl]

I’m sorry. People just don’t know how to connect about their kids without involving gender. I’m sure I’ve said some things inadvertently, as DS1 is typical boy (I usually qualify him as ADHD since that better describes him.) But DS2 is in the autism spectrum, so he’s not “typical boy” at all…or typical kid (no, he’s never invited to birthday parties or sleepovers or play dates, and no, he can’t participate in team sports.)

Many hugs. I’m glad you are liking your new job!


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[StantonHyde]

Oh I think it only gets better when I do tell someone my kid is trans and one of the very first things they blurt out is--has he had surgery? I swear, I am going to start responding with "he had his tonsils out when he was 5" or maybe, "oh I didn't realize we were sharing personal medical details--what surgeries have YOU had?"

[georgiegirl]

Oh I think it only gets better when I do tell someone my kid is trans and one of the very first things they blurt out is--has he had surgery? I swear, I am going to start responding with "he had his tonsils out when he was 5" or maybe, "oh I didn't realize we were sharing personal medical details--what surgeries have YOU had?"

Yes! Definitely do that. People feel so entitled to know medical information about others. Reminds me of when I was pregnant, a family friend asked how much weight I had gained. I told her that wasn’t nice and then asked her how much weight she had gained in the last 9 months.


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[jgenie]

Yes! Definitely do that. People feel so entitled to know medical information about others. Reminds me of when I was pregnant, a family friend asked how much weight I had gained. I told her that wasn’t nice and then asked her how much weight she had gained in the last 9 months.

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So true. We were married quite a while before we had kids. I had someone ask me how my DC were conceived. When I said “Excuse me?” they repeated the question.

[gatorsmom]

So true. We were married quite a while before we had kids. I had someone ask me how my DC were conceived. When I said “Excuse me?” they repeated the question.

Jgenie, I think I would have gotten graphically detailed with that question. The look on their face would have just egged me on. I probably couldn’t have restrained myself.

I had almost forgot about all the invasive questions I got about twins. There were so many weird ones.

[NCGrandma]

So true. We were married quite a while before we had kids. I had someone ask me how my DC were conceived. When I said “Excuse me?” they repeated the question.

Several years ago, two women who were popular staff members at my CCRC were expecting their first child. One of my neighbors went on at great length about how they obviously used a sperm bank. I didn’t have the heart to say maybe a friend or relative was a donor. I’m afraid she would have been shocked (and I certainly didn’t use the phrase "turkey baster").


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[chlobo]

Not quite the same but I've really had to train myself not to ask parents of seniors where their kids are going to College. It's like an automatic response around here. I can imagine the gender stuff is the same. And sometimes you know better, but your brain gets ahead of you and you still ask the stupid or invasive question. I hope it gets better for you.

[anonomom]

I don't experience this as much now that my kids are older, but the "boy mom" thing used to drive me nuts when my kids were little. I had one friend who was just completely invested in the idea of gender differences, and especially that "boys will be boys." She had two sons and when my third child turned out to be a boy she kept asking me "see, isn't it just different than having girls?" I always told her my sample size is too small to draw any conclusions.

But I'll admit, I've always been kind of confused about this idea that there's any kind of unified way of being either male or female. A few months ago, there was an opinion piece in the Washington Post about what it means to be a man, now that "toxic masculinity" is seen as less acceptable. And i didn't (don't) understand why we need being a man (or a woman) to mean anything in particular. Why can't we just all strive to be good people?