Dating after divorce help

[ray7694]

I got divorced pretty fast as I k ew for a long time I wanted out. We share a 16 yo who is attached to me and always has been. She sees her father but refuses to stay at his home.

I have been seeing someone for 11 months and she has know as I bring him up. She has seen him in the home while we were watching a movie for a quick hi.

Today he was over after we went to dinner in which we got her food. She came home and saw his car and refused to come inside until he left. It was the end of the movie anyway and so he went home.

I mostly go to his home which is 30 mins away for dinner etc. we dont spent overnights together. She did know when we took a vacation and she commented im glad you happy. She know how precious vacations would be stressful.

Thanks for reading this far. What can I do at this point to help her. My bf really wants to include family and is serious about being with me and this is hard.

[georgiegirl]

My only experience with this is being a teenager when my parents were dating (they divorced before my freshman year in high school?so both of them dated when I was in high school.). I never really had an issue with them dating.

Can you just sit down and have an honest talk with your daughter? That you would really like her to get to know the man you are seriously dating, and that your relationship with him in no way diminishes your relationship with her. Does she see a therapist? Did she not want to come in because she thought you were being intimate? Have you asked her how she feels about you dating and what are her concerns? If she?s 16, then she?s old enough to have an adult conversation with you about it.

I?m sorry it?s challenging, but I?m happy you have found someone you are happy with.


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[chlobo]

I second the idea of a therapist. I had a friend whose husband died suddenly. A few years later, she got back together (from a distance as he lived states away) with her former high school sweetheart. At first the daughter was very opposed but they worked through it.

I think a good starting point would be to ask your daughter what her hesitation is and really listen for the answer. Don't try to make it a conversation about getting her to accept your new beau but rather to really hear what she has to say. And then go from there. And maybe work in counseling about how to make the situation comfortable for all.

ETA: It might also be helpful for you to see a therapist and learn how to talk about this with your daughter. My husband and I did that (and still do) for how best to help our kids, which mostly involved helping ourselves, really. lol.

[mom2binsd]

As someone who has been divorced for awhile, I have learned from others who gave me advice as I went through it, and have seen it with friends that are in similar situations to you. Even though the adults may have already checked out of the marriage, as you say, you were ready to be done for sometime, your DD still saw you as married to her dad. She may be still struggling with dealing with the divorce and by "accepting" the new man in your lives, she may just not feel ready. 16 is tough tough age, not a little kid anymore but not really able to see things as an adult.

I agree that therapy with both of you to talk about how to move forward makes sense.

It sounds like you have done a lot of keep the new relationship separate from her, but as you mentioned you have brought him up, and she may just not want anything to do with him at this point, which is hard, but it's not something that you can force. I agree with PP who mentioned that it is important to talk to her about what she is feeling.

[mmsmom]

I’m also divorced but have not dated yet. Both of my kids are in therapy and I try to have ongoing conversations with them about how they are doing. I told them from beginning that I may date at some point but would not introduce them to anyone until it was a long term relationship. I also assured them that I would not live with anyone while they were still at home (I’m not saying you shouldn’t do this but for me it was 5.5 years from separation until DD graduates and I felt this was a reasonable path for me). I think talking about it often and not forcing the situation is best. You are entitled to have a life too outside of being a mom but your DD just may not be ready for that step. My XH took drastic different path and moved in with someone about 6 months after we separated, then had another baby (he’s 57), then married and now 5 months later separated again so my kids also had that craziness with him so I felt even more strongly that my home needed to be their stable environment.

[Philly Mom]

Also divorced and been in a serious relationship for about a year. I have a teenager and tween at home and he has young adults who live at home. For everyone, it’s an adjustment. I gently push and have us do things with a kid at a time. My younger one was resistant for a while but now seems to really like him. Older one has always liked him. Two of his kids were resistant, one much more so than the other. We take small steps. Short dinners. Quick saying hello when we are on the phone. I’m not making any promises that things will be one way or another. Not all the kids have met and the brief enounters have been very brief. I like pushing just a bit and having honest conversations.