DH has a problem...what do I do?

[anonomom]

I don't have useful advice, but I do want to say don't blame yourself for not noticing. Alcohol is super easy to hide. I have ever been in a similar place, watching someone I love act drunk, but never seeing them take a sip of alcohol, or even seeing bottles/cans in the aftermath.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this, and will keep you in my thoughts.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Thank you all for the encouragement and sound advice! I told him to get some appointments set up and figure out which alcohol treatment center to use. He'd never heard of one, but at 2am, I found there's one very close to us with no one we know who works there. He made a Telehealth appt with a PCP and talked through it all, made notes for us to keep up with everything, and picked up a script for Wellbutrin. He has been saying he felt depressed, and shrugged it off each time help was suggested. Dr. gave him a plan to follow, and we'll go through the steps outlined here over the weekend when we can talk more.

Your support means so much!

[gatorsmom]

Thank you all for the encouragement and sound advice! I told him to get some appointments set up and figure out which alcohol treatment center to use. He'd never heard of one, but at 2am, I found there's one very close to us with no one we know who works there. He made a Telehealth appt with a PCP and talked through it all, made notes for us to keep up with everything, and picked up a script for Wellbutrin. He has been saying he felt depressed, and shrugged it off each time help was suggested. Dr. gave him a plan to follow, and we'll go through the steps outlined here over the weekend when we can talk more.

Your support means so much!

Wow, it sounds like you two are headed in the right direction. It's so encouraging that your DH is working on this too. Remember, if he doesn't how he feels on the Wellbutrin, he can try another antidepressant. It sometimes takes several tries to find a medication that is comfortable. Don't let him give up and just not take it. And I don't mean to sound like you need to mother him, but people who are depressed can sometimes find themselves unmotivated to do anything - including take the medication that will help them. Prayers and hugs to you.

[dogmom]

I am not saying the path forward will be easy, but the fact your husband came to you makes things so much better. I will encourage you to seek evidenced based professional help. AA can be great for some, but it?s not evidenced based and at times can be counterproductive for people trying to deal with their substance abuse issues. It is a resource, but it can?t be the whole answer. Concrete things you can do:

-Validate that coming to you was the right thing and you will support him.
-Do the leg work to figure out what your insurance covers for substance abuse treatment.
-Help him figure out what his employee covers. Substance abuse is a medical issue and is converted by FMLA. It may well be he has not been fulfilling his job duties which is why he is coming clean now. He needs to get ahead of it.
-Do research of reputable substance abuse programs. If you have a large academic medical center, start there. Do not call those toll free numbers looking for places.
-Your husband should find therapist and you should find on that is experienced in substance abuse dynamics. It might take f ew tries to find someone that clicks. Eventually family therapy might be good, but this is put your oxygen on first before the kids situation. You both are not going to be able to help your kids in therapy if you don?t have a foundation yourselves.
-If your kids are older, as in tweens or above, you need to address that substance abuse can have a genetic component. The longer someone delays alcohol use the less chance of falling into substance abuse. They cannot be the kids that drink underage.

I am sorry you are going through this, but this is not an inevitable path to the bottom. The whole “you need to let an addict hit bottom” is outdated advice not backed by evidence. There is a lot he can do and your family can do to support him.

[mmsmom]

I?m sorry you are going through this and others have given great advice. I would just emphasize that your DH has to be in charge of getting help for himself. You could give him a list of places or offer suggestions but he has to make the calls. I also echo the suggestion of a therapist for you. Recovery is a lifelong commitment and you probably need to talk through some boundaries with someone.