My mom and I have a horrible relationship. She raised me out of pure obligation. She claims she had me because people told her that a child would save her marriage, when she was getting a divorce from my dad she considered leaving me behind but in the end took me with her. I grew up fine and to the common stranger she's the oh so saintly single mom...but to people that know, our family life isn't so perfect. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate her or anything we are just different people. To her I'm a pet, a belonging that she should be able to tell what to do. But I'm not so "obedient", she gets really annoyed with me. She used to blame my best friend in HS for "brainwashing me" into not listening to her and being "rebellious"...she then blamed my husband and now my aunt (her own sister).
Now knowing all this I try to let it be. She's not the greatest grandma. She hardly visits. She hardly remembers what it was like to be a mom of young children or to be maternal. When she does visit she tries to "buy" our affection, and buy stuff like crazy...but once she's gone she exerts no effort to try to shop for the kids...claims she's too far removed to get them things so just sends money. So I'm like fine whatever floats your boat. When she's here, she tries to discipline my kids as if they were me when I was little...my oldest doesn't take to her and knows he doesn't like her very much. She loves my second because he looks like "our" family and she has yet to see DD. I am pretty upset that she still hasn't seen my daughter. She's practically 7 months old and makes excuses to having not seen her. We don't live close but by no means very far either (5 hours).
In any case, our relationship is very hard. To her she waits for me to get a divorce and come crawling back to her so she can say see I told you so...in her mind I shouldn't have gotten married I shouldn't have had kids. She didn't like it when I was pregnant with DS#1. When I was pregnant with DS#2 she cursed me and said what if that child turns out like the first...meaning being messed up with a heart condition. When I was pregnant with my third, my DD, she was very phony but claimed to be "so happy for us". Anyways, I try to be civil and just be phony and amuse her and talk. Even though we don't get along I've never told her she wasn't allowed to see my kids but she knows she can't stand being in our house long if you know what I mean. In my mom's mind, she thinks sending a check for the kids is enough, she doesn't feel like she needs to see them...and besides her needs are first and others are after. Now mind you I'm the only child and these are her only grandchildren. I figured maybe she would love to be a grandma and enjoy them but no.
So flash forward to today, the conversation begins normally until she does her usual condescending tone, "I think you have enough kids you shouldn't have anymore." As if I have 30 and am on welfare and require her help. I won't deny that when she sends the kids money I keep it to buy things they need and what not but WTF, why judge me? So I blew up, I was like do you really have to say that. It's is really not your business how many kids I have...I have 3 but not 30. And she tells me go ahead have 30 for all she cares. Talking to me as if I'm some dumb white trash welfare loser that does nothing but get pregnant. (Not meant to offend in any way to any one but that's her tone to me). Ugh I couldn't take it...every conversation she sneaks in that remark...of course I'm stressed it's hard for me to have a phone conversation...any one with children knows how their kids get ten times crazier and louder when parents are on the phone. So she's like stop yelling at me, and I said I'm sorry but it drives me insane when you say that to me as if I'm so stupid and just sit here waiting to have babies. She says well sorry...I tell her don't say sorry because if you were you'd just stop saying it...saying sorry and not doing anything is useless.
Then I mention that she hasn't seen the kids in over a year and that if she really cared about them she would have been up by now considering that one is a new baby. She was like well I have to take care of myself and I didn't marry rich etc. I was fuming I told her that it's her loss if she doesn't want to see them and spend time with them. Then she tells me she feels sorry for me to have to take care of three kids by myself (since we don't live near family). I was like don't feel sorry for me, I know what I got myself into and don't worry about me I can take care of myself. She was like I just don't think you know what kind of burden you have. I was like look I know you think I shouldn't have had any kids...and that in the back of your mind I'm the dumb one that has three kids and that the moment my husband leaves me I'm STUCK...just like how you felt when you had me. She got so mad and claimed she never wished me such ill will and hung up. I know very well she's told many people that she's waiting for the day that I have to come crawling back home.
Anyways, so after that she tells my other aunt how I'm brainwashed by her other sister and that I'm a lost cause and decides that she doesn't want to visit anymore (she was going to come later in September). She also say how I'm worthless and worst than a friend...and a shame of a mother/daughter relationship. Says I'll just send her more money cuz that's all she wants. I think to myself I don't want your money, I just wanted some semblance of a relationship or at least you can have one with my kids, I want you to see your grandchildren. UGH so now I'm angry and annoyed realizing that my mom is just a toxic person. A part me feels horribly guilty that I got into a fight with her and now my kids won't get to see her...but really should they see someone that doesn't really care.
Anyways after she hung up, I was mad and annoyed...not sure how to proceed after hearing how I worthless and worst than a friend. Like I know I'll just go on living my life with my own family...but I feel tons of guilt if I cut her out of my life.
What would you or have you done in similar situations??