Tweens/Teens and sexual identity

[AnnieW625]

I very much echo the same thoughts as Citymama and Twowhat’s last post. It is so much more in the open these days than it was in the past.

Last year DD1 came to me and asked if she would be considered a lesbian if she didn’t have a boyfriend….she was 14 for goodness sakes. I asked her if she liked girls and she said no. I told her that it is perfectly normal to not have a boyfriend at 14, and if you don’t it doesn’t mean you are a lesbian. I asked her what brought it on and she said that a few of the boys from her old school were talking on the class group chat about how the girls who didn’t have boyfriends were probably lesbians. I told her they were being “stupid 14 year old boys.” It then happened again a few months ago (so they were all 15 now) where the boys took over the group chat and stated saying stupid stuff like that again; I told her not to pay attention to it. I asked her if she knew if any of the girls were lesbians and she said she didn’t think any classified themselves as lesbians or bisexual. She does have one friend from that class who while I am not sure classifies as a lesbian, bi, or trans., but does dress more like a boy than a girl. I did tell DD1 if it was one of 3-4 specific boys in the class (whose moms I know well) to tell me as I would then text their moms about it because I know they wouldn’t put up with that sh!t from their sons; she said it wasn’t. I still I told her to chalk it up to immaturity, and to ignore them in the future. If it does happen a third time I think I will have to take action.

I also told her that I didn’t seriously date until I was 20 so she didn’t have anything to worry about at this time.

I also have never told DH because she would be mortified if I did. I know it isn’t the same as what has been discussed up thread but just wanted to share.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[wendibird22]

I wouldn't feel bad about the "it's a phase" thought, I mean we had it too. "It's a phase" maybe isn't the best term for it, but I do feel like this generation is very open and kids are not afraid to begin exploring their sexual identities earlier, which is great. They're exposed to a lot more media and social influencers who are open about their own sexual identities and speak openly about it on their channels and to their supporters. I think it's of course definitely possible for kids to know at this age but also definitely possible that they don't know that they don't know and are still exploring, and it's great that they are sharing the process with us as parents!

I agree with this. When DD2 told me she's bisexual it was around the same time that Jojo Siwa came out and a few other social media influencers were posting about their bisexuality. She and I have also always been very open about talking about all the ways you can love another person and all the ways you can define your gender. From a very early age her conversations with me about "when I grow and get married/have a family" have always included her saying "it could be a boy or girl, I don't know yet" or "if my partner is trans but we want to have children then..." These ideas of the many ways to be have just been normalized for her. So the concept of her being bisexual, at age 11, could mean that she is bisexual, but could also mean that she's open to the idea that she could be attracted to men and women and at 11 doesn't yet know how that's going to play out. While I didn't assume it is a phase or tell her such, I did let her know that she's young and exploring and that who and how she loves may evolve over time and that it's okay for that to happen and it is okay for the labels to change. Or not.

Wouldn't it be great if all people headed into sexual maturity with the openminded belief that they could love any gender and then wait until they fall in love to affirm their sexual orientation? Instead of assuming a heterosexual default?

[Globetrotter]

I just wanted to say how wonderful it is to read this thread. I knew people who were scared to reveal their true sexuality until much later in life- how scary and stressful that must have been. Kudos to you parents!

[twowhat?]

So I was inspired by this thread to ask my DD2 about how she figured out that she was bi. She said it started with a youtuber she follows that "I have a girl crush on. She's so beautiful." So there's a little glimpse into the inner mind workings of a 13yo. It's fascinating to me how they think about these things. She also told me she had a boy come up to her today and ask if she was bi, and she told him yes. Apparently these types of convos are not uncommon in middle school between both boys and girls. It's also common for them to ask friends/schoolmates what pronouns they prefer.

If it comes to needing it, I know our pediatrician would be a good source of support as well. He has a grown daughter who is lesbian and married and his practice's webpage bio says so very matter-of-fact: "Dr. XXX has 2 daughters. His youngest is an actor who is married to a physician and his oldest is a physician who is married to a former [can't remember work title] who now spends her time caring for their foster children."

[carolinamama]

I just wanted to say how wonderful it is to read this thread. I knew people who were scared to reveal their true sexuality until much later in life- how scary and stressful that must have been. Kudos to you parents!

I was coming to post something along these lines - these responses are helpful and show how awesome all you parents are. I've thought about how I would react if (when?) one of mine tells me they are gay/bi/trans. I want to make sure my face shows acceptance and love and I think that's what is mainly important. I wouldn't personally tell anyone because it's your DD's story to tell. And she shouldn't feel compelled to announce it either. This generation is so much better at acceptance of individuals and has a comfort around sexual orientation that we were never afforded. I know it's not this way everywhere, but it gives me hope when I see these responses and the conversations happening amongst my kids and friends.

[squimp]

I just wanted to say how wonderful it is to read this thread. I knew people who were scared to reveal their true sexuality until much later in life- how scary and stressful that must have been. Kudos to you parents!

Indeed. I know someone who just came out at 50+ and it's been tough!

I also agree with everyone who says to follow your child's lead. Let them know you love them, support them, in whatever way you can, but do not get ahead of them in any way. She may be able to find support at school through counselors and clubs, our middle school was really good about this.

[JustMe]

I agree that we have such great parents here! I am so happy to hear about kids who are so comfortable with themselves as with sharing that with us as parents.

This is not directed at anyone in particular, but I do think the term "phase" is outdated, even with tweens/teens feeling more comfortable exploring their sexuality. That term was used to dismiss what people said and experienced for themselves historically. Even when people are young, haven't had much experience, and things may shift in the future, I just am not comfortable with the term phase. Maybe if that term was used for younger people who are identifying as heterosexual I would feel diffferently. I know people are not necessarily using that lanugage verbally, but I would say that shifting thinking is important too.

[twowhat?]

I agree that we have such great parents here! I am so happy to hear about kids who are so comfortable with themselves as with sharing that with us as parents.

This is not directed at anyone in particular, but I do think the term "phase" is outdated, even with tweens/teens feeling more comfortable exploring their sexuality. That term was used to dismiss what people said and experienced for themselves historically. Even when people are young, haven't had much experience, and things may shift in the future, I just am not comfortable with the term phase. Maybe if that term was used for younger people who are identifying as heterosexual I would feel diffferently. I know people are not necessarily using that lanugage verbally, but I would say that shifting thinking is important too.

I know JUST what you mean! "It's a phase" has such a negative connotation already (think "terrible twos", etc), and coupled with this also carries the "reeks of denial" flavor. I just couldn't think of a better phrase to describe this period in developmental time for kids this age and would love to, so that I can replace the words in my head!

Any suggestions from anyone?

[Kindra178]

I agree it sounds terrible! Is there another word that means phase? I tell my kids that sexuality is a continuum so what you might feel now might now be how you always may feel. It's not a black and white thing. But it may be. All that said, it appears to be super trendy right now for girls to identify as gay or bi and refusing to accept the pronouns she/her. I am not seeing that same trend with boys.

[JustMe]

I know JUST what you mean! "It's a phase" has such a negative connotation already (think "terrible twos", etc), and coupled with this also carries the "reeks of denial" flavor. I just couldn't think of a better phrase to describe this period in developmental time for kids this age and would love to, so that I can replace the words in my head!

Any suggestions from anyone?

First, I wonder if it needs to be replaced. I mean, the kids are not using language to describe it, so do we? On the other hand, there are the concepts of exploring sexuality, getting to know and understand your wants and needs, etc, that apply to everyone. This is especially true for teenagers, but can also be a lifelong process when used broadly!

If someone themselves feels their sexuality can/may change or is changing, fluidity might be a word they would identify. In general, though, many things wil change as our kids learn about themselves and grow...and we just don't know which things those will be yet!