etiquette question: baby shower at restaurant -- who pays?

[kristine_elen]

If someone is having a baby shower at a restaurant instead of at her home, who pays the tab? The host, or does everyone kick in for her own meal? (Of course the mom-to-be would not pay either way.)
Thanks for your input.

ETA:
My friend and I are hosting a baby shower for another friend, who suggested that we could have it at a tea room or restaurant b/c it's ending up to be a fairly small group. She suggested it as an "out" for us if we didn't want to go through the "hassle" of hosting a shower. (We are happy to do it and don't think it's a hassle.) The co-host and I weren't postiive on etiquette, but figured we'd be the ones to pay for all the guests. (Although if I went to a shower at a restaurant, which I never have, I think I'd figure I might have to pay so I'd bring money just in case.) Anyhoo, thanks for your help.

[jbowman]

The host should pay for everyone!

[janeybwild]

Interesting question....IMO it would depend on how the invite is worded. I went to a bridal shower at a swanky restaurant, and the way it was worded left no doubt it was a hosted party and we were to bring gifts only (nicely put of course). What does the invite say? If it were a more casual thing, perhaps its more like dinner with some friends (which you split) and a small gift? Let us know what the answer was! Good luck!

[crl]

Well, if I were hosting, I would pay. If I were attending, I would go thinking the bill would be split and wait to see what everyone else did. Not much help, huh?

[AvasMama]

My friends held a shower for me at a restaurant and everyone split the bill. It was a tea, so the price was set and I think the "hosts" let everyone know about how much it would be beforehand.

Robyn & Ava

[wagner36]

The host/hostess. I've been to 3 showers that were held with full meals at restaurants. At two, the host had the menu arranged and covered in advance. At the third one, however, there was nothing on the invitation to indicate that meals would not be paid for by the hostess - and she even said "Please just order off the menu" when menus were passed out, but then at the end, she whipped out a calculator and told everyone, loudly, what their share was. No one had cash ready, she apparently coudn't cover it on her credit card, it was terrible. People were not being quiet or tactful about any of this (someone even said "Well, I didn't drink, and so-and-so had 4 drinks, so why should our share be the same"), and I felt so bad for the pregnant woman, who, honestly, I didn't even know that well. My friend and I were just about to whisk away the bill and pay and just suck it up, when the guest of honor said that she would pay since we'd all been so generous, and then there was crying, etc. She wouldn't give us the check, it was awful. My friend eventually paid, and then a few of us just gave her cash. I was so mortified, but the hostess was totally perplexed as to why people were upset!!! In retrospect, I shouldn't have gone - I was just going since my friend insisted that she didn't want to go alone, and she bribed me with a pedicure. I thought it was weird that the trashy hostess had invited me in the first place. I could just have sent a nice gift.

Sorry for the rant - I still get SO MAD about this.

The only exception that I can think of is here at work - all the women in my group will take our co-workers out before they married or go on maternity leave, and although sometimes a supervising partner has picked up the tab if the associate in question is assigned to her, most of the time we just give cash to the person that paid when we get back to the office. But, that's not really a shower, either - we give a group gift, and it's an email invite....

[kristine_elen]

Oh my gawd! What a scene! That poor mom-to-be!

[heidi_timms]

Wow, that is crazy!!! How awful Tara!

I think that it can go either way, depending on how you word the invitation.

I hosted a first shower for my sister-a nice tea at my Mom's house with one of her other friends and my Mom and we went all out. For the second baby I had it at a tea party type restaurant. It was low key and we (me and the same friend) invited the guests letting them know the cost of the tea beforehand. I was not in a financial position to pay for a luncheon or host another shebang with a young baby at home. DD was about 6-7 months at the time and none of my sister's friends were stepping forward to help me either. It went well and nobody seemed taken aback about paying for their lunch.

~Heidi
Mom to Kailey
4/03

[dowlinal]

The host is supposed to pay for everyone. I've attended several showers at resturants and I have never been asked to pay and to be really honest I would be shocked if the host wanted money at the end. However, I know the rules really vary depending on where you live so you might want to ask around.

[blnony]

The host/hostess should foot the bill the same as if they were paying for everything to host it at their home.